when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
