i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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