i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
