So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
