lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
