I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
