I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize