Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
