i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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