Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
