she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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