Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
