I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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