never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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