apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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