Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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