I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
