This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
