Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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