It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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