he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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