Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
