weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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