we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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