I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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