just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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