Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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