the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
