I can tuck mytits in my pants
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
