I haven't been this sober since birth.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
