so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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