One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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