man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
