If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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