there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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