were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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