whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
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So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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