I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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