You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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