My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
