Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
