8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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