That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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