my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
If I had your ass I would rule the world
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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