In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
