now i know why i became what i already was.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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