he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
