Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
