I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Slut skills are useful in every country.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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