I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
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Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
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I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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