he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
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Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
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At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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