good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
