don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
