I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
