i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I made him laugh his dick is mine
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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