dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
