the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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