I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
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You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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